3 months ago

3 months ago today… almost down to the very minute I had to say my last goodbye to you. I placed your hand ontop of mine shaking and crying I wanted to hold you tight. Our lives have been forever altered, destroyed and only God knows why. My heart remains shattered, broken beyond all repair. Its not fair you had to leave us, this is our burden we have to bare. Thinking of those last moments that tear at my soul, your body was so broken still linger in my mind. Emptiness is what I feel since you have gone away. I know one day I’ll see you again at heaven’s pearly gates. So until then my beautiful baby dezirae, save a spot for me. When I get called home, a happy reunion it will be. Sending you all of my love and millions of hugs and kisses, you my baby are the one I’ll always be missing. Holding you in my heart until I can finally hold you in my arms again ❤

I surrender

I’ve been drunk off of your love for so long baby, then so many things went wrong and now I’m sober. I’m thirsty for your kisses, your emotional embraces. I long for your fingertips to caress all my edges, take your time baby there’s no need to rush, I’m hypnotized in a trance. I just want to do loves slow dance with you baby. I hunger for your love, the very second we’re done I don’t want to just make love…Im trying to make it last. I’ve got a confession and I need your undivided attention, baby I hope you’re listening.. I want to stop all this fighting, it doesn’t matter who was wrong or right, I just know I need your love baby day and night. So I will surrender so long it’s your arms I’m falling into, so long as you still love me too…I surrender.

Loss of my dezirae

Lost in the confusion, the chaos of things. Forced to remember the state in which I last saw you in. Frozen is my heart since life was interrupted. Denied the life you should have lived. Grieving my very heart of sorrow. Shattered knowing there’s no bringing you tomorrow. Stolen was the life of innocence, wish there was a way to make amends. Your loss has left me bitter, trying to figure put how to go on has me dazed. I will continue the fight for your justice just as I promised. Can’t believe its been almost 3 months, why’d it have to end all or nothing. I find myself fighting to continue, why is it always good vs. Evil? I need to pull through. Living this life, like I have lost all of my virtue’s. Desperately searching for the answers that I seek, I try to be strong but I lose and become so weak. Demons inside me control me when I don’t sleep. I have a lust for his blood, I want to watch it all seep through a hole in the place his heart should be. I feel so angry when I think of the hands that murdered you, a life for a life though his is of lesser value. I try not to let my longing for revenge consume me, I’ve lost all touch with reality. I look in the mirror and I rarely see a glimpse of the old me. I see a torn apart, broken hearted fragment of a soulless being. Light has left my eyes, unbearable tragedy has hardened my heart and this tormenting sorrow has my mind running on emptiness. I’m shellshocked, in such disbelief I pray this isn’t happening. When will this nightmare ever end? I face the road ahead, I’m emotionally naked and alone. My soul lay bare to the world. I know when my time comes, I’ll see you again its just trying to ease the pain until we’re reunited once again.

Www.facebook.com/justicefordezirae

Untitled

You are all that’s left of me, the woman I know is gone. I look in the mirror and I ask myself “who are you?” For I don’t see myself when I look I see memories. Things that were, and should never have been. I see a constant reminder of emptiness, loneliness and longing. A life once lived and loved. Now I’m just existing just barely breathing. Feeling as though these thoughts aren’t even my own borrowed or stolen from some poor sap that can’t get it right no matter what. So many emotions I try to sort out. Just as complex as the rubix cube there’s always only one solution to the problem but you still can’t figure it out. I have a solution in mind can’t say its the right one but all of my problems would be gone. But the day I let a man make or break me will be the day I close up shop. I’ve learned my lesson and for this nobody will ever get close to me again! I blame myself mostly. I’ll give you what you want, I won’t stay. This is my final goodbye up for your consideration I here by turn in my resignation

Too little too late

All this time, fighting my pain all of these feelings I wish I could explain. All of the things I wish I said racing thoughts in my head. All the wounds not yet healed, all of the love I feel for you. All this time has passed but I’m stuck in the moment’s of our love. The day we met, the exact moment when I knew I loved you, our first official date. All I have left is our memories all the beautiful moments we shared together. At a loss for words, everything forever changed. I lay in bed and go to rest my head on your chest and always to my surprise you’re not there. Emptiness follows me now. Solace is what I seek your arms are what I need wrapped around me in full embrace. Longing to hear you speak those words so sweet, the words I fear I won’t ever hear. I love you, and I know without you no house will be a home. My home is where you are, the one true place I ever belonged. This is my farewell to you my best friend, someday I pray we will meet again. For I waited too long and you say my time has past. Im sorry I was too little too late

Delusional Illusionist

I wish the words of my emotions would come easily, just so I could pass them to you and express my delusions. I’m at a loss but here it goes:

You are an Illusionist, you make my love vanish. Here for a minute and then gone! Never seen again.
You were keeper of keys, captor of my heart.

What a display you put on to win my affection. Blinded by your tricks. With a slight touch of the hand you had the power to make me tremble. Your illusions had me fascinated, in a dazed trance. Confused by my innermost feelings. Deceived by your eyes.

Beautiful Illusionist why do you make a fool of me?

Thoughts of the lost

The one you love most will always be the first to break your heart, break you down and make you cry. The one I loved most torched my existence with his harsh goodbye. Here I am now secretly lost beyond all recognition of my where abouts. My heart has triggered my lust for pain anything would be better then this emptiness.deep down in the fiery pits of Hell is where you placed me, left there to rot, left there to die. You never figured I would make my way out from the depths of the mess you left me in, never figured I would seek refuge elsewhere, any where but with you. You seem to think I’m nothing, inhuman. Im just barely existing, but I’m doing it without you. Sickened by the thought of you, disgusted by the fact a part of you might live in me why am I still here? Why can’t I just leave everything behind and say goodbye to this fucked up shit I call life? It could be that simple but would it be quick? 

24 hours

24 hours ago i was wrapped in your arms, held in your embrace, a smile was seen face to face.  24 hours ago i could have stayed that way looking at you, touching you, just being there with you.  24 hours ago i was held in your arms, held in love.even after all the fussing and fighting we made love. passion over came the both of us and we became one as so many times before. our love shown through all the built up tension,and the stress of not having you here i forgot that i was alone. 24 hours ago i felt complete, being near you is all i need. a place to rest my head wouldn’t be the same if it weren’t your chest. incomplete is me now, 24 hours later and it seems all your love has gone. 24 hours is gone i wake up today and i fear i will not see tomorrow. all time is lost without you, it seems to stand still so i might be living tomorrow today. all i know is yesterday is gone:(

heavy heart

I awoke everyday with a heavy heart, and today you place a burden on my soul. Years have gone by, all just a waste now. Everything inside is on fire burning my eternal lust for love. How I hungered for you to be near but just like the waves of the ocean you have been carried away. I hold on to the fondest of memories of the love that once was, could have been, and should have been. My heart has been foolish and mind thinks it were under a spell. Oh how you fooled me! Betrayed by my innermost thought! Deceived by the passion! Why did I love so much! How will I ever belong? I have your name plastered on my heart! How dare you defy all the laws and put this burden on me! I gave my all to you, I gave everything up for you! I am lost, broken and used. And for you, you haven’t a care. Your False emotions triggered my intermost longing and you prayed on me. I can no longer make you love me. And it is only now I can see why<\3

Plus sized

I did my make up, my hair I’m trying to pick out some clothes.

Foundation, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara,lip gloss I did it all for you babe.

Barettes, hair ties, mousse I’m trying to be beautiful for you babe.

Sexy top, tight jeans, matching shoes and clutch I want to look good for you babe.

I’m tweasing my eyebrows curling my eye lashes shaved my legs on account of you babe.

Taking my time, making sure I look right, so I can keep you babe.

Layering the make up to hide my flaws, doing my hair to make it curly, puting on sexy clothes to distract you from the true size I have become. Making my eyes smile when they want to cry. Making my soul laugh when all I feel is sorrow, pretending I feel confident when I feel like a child being bullied.

I’m being bullied my society that says thin is in. Pretending I’m perfectly content with my full figure. That my size 22 is better then being a 2. Agonized by constant views of plus sized women. That we are fat ugly and disgusting. That we are no better then toilet scum. I bet you wish it were that easy to be rid of us. Simply scrub the earth and be rid of us.

I am tired of looking at other women and envying that I am not their size, I can’t afford the things they can. And sometimes I even think that my man would rather be with any other one of them but me. Anybody but me.

Words are just words but once they are released you can not get them back. They are released into the air and forever haunting those who they were directed to always taunting and torturing them until they are forced to believe as others see.

Its a cruel world we live in, to make men, women, children feel less worthy among other people because they don’t fit into somebody elses standards.  It is aweful that society has put a stamp on people and if they don’t look a certain way they are not valued. It is painful to watch somebody on the brink of distruction all because somebody else is lacking something in them selves so they find fault in others.

It pains me. And I have been guilty and I have to been a victim
I will no longer be a victim. Today I will walk with my head held high and be so fierce that I would make any plus size woman feel beautiful, sexy and worthy!
I am a woman!!! Treat me as such, not by the color of my skin or the width in my hips, treat me as you would want to be treated!!!!!

ALL SIZE WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Love thanks you

I never would have known what life was about if you never opened my eyes to show me.

I never would have known love if you didn’t open my heart, so I could feel it.

I was blind of all the beauty in this world that surrounds me, you made me see the beauty in everything though I didn’t see it in myself.

I have you to thank for my every bit of happiness, you make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. And if your love has showed me anything its to give of myself openly and freely so we may give ourselves to each other selflessly.

You are all I will ever need
And all ill ever desire
You are far more then I deserve

Stole

I will spend eternity in unending agony, all because I professed my love to you.

My happily ever after fairytale ending was in my grasp and in an instance you stole it all away.

For this I am ashamed.
You have torched my heart,
Captured my soul,
Shattered my spirit.

You took the air I breath,
You kidnapped my very existance,
You tortured my hunger to live, love, and my ability to smile.

You darkened my days,
Snuffed out the light with your obscure idea of love.

Emptiness is the only solace I have known, and I fear I am ignorant of your intentions.

Time revealed the truth, and now I must travel the veiled path… alone.

a lisa marie original

What am I to do?

I don’t know what to do, you never change and I’m just a fool.

You promise it will be different but nothing changes. Its good for a little while then back to the same old same.

What am I to do?
I’m in love but I won’t be made a fool.

How am I supposed to feel when you run around lie and cheat?

Promises are broken hearts, empty lies, sorrow nights, loud cries and never ending long goodbyes.

Everyone says I should leave you,
But how do you betray the only one who believed in you?

This time I will hold my head up high and beg the lord to not let me cry.

Just remember I will find my strength to carry on from this place.

I will leave you with this last word…”goodbye.”

Deceitful eyes

I am a woman,
I may not be the most beautiful, couragous, intelliegent or even the strongest, but I am still a living breathing human being.

I love, I hurt, I cry and bleed the same as you. And when you look at me with your deceitful eyes is there any part of you that says: “tell her the truth”?

Is there any part of you that thinks I am worthy of a bit of honesty? Any bit of truth am I worthy of anything but lies?

I am she who loves you, cares for you, cries for you, lives for you, breathes for you!!! )YOU with deceitful eyes!!!

Why am i? She who loves you? Why am I? she who cares for you?
Why am I? She who cries for you?
Why am I? She who lives for you? why am I? She who breathes for you??? Why am I? The stupid one who is still around when all you do is lie, lie with your deceitful eyes.

Deceitful eyes,
Do you hear what I’m saying? Or are you turning your head towards another?

Deceitful eyes,
Do you feel what I am feeling?
Or are you longing for another?

Deceitful eyes,
Do you see what I see?
Or are all the lies blinding you from the truth and what is right before you?

I am a woman…
I may not be the most beautiful, couragous, intelligent or even the strongest… but do I diserve lies???

Hello world!!!!!

Soooooo…….this is my very first post. So here goes nothin! Wish me luck and lots of hits! Thanks:) and check out my fiances blog link is below:

www.ideaofitall.wordpress.com