3 months ago

3 months ago today… almost down to the very minute I had to say my last goodbye to you. I placed your hand ontop of mine shaking and crying I wanted to hold you tight. Our lives have been forever altered, destroyed and only God knows why. My heart remains shattered, broken beyond all repair. Its not fair you had to leave us, this is our burden we have to bare. Thinking of those last moments that tear at my soul, your body was so broken still linger in my mind. Emptiness is what I feel since you have gone away. I know one day I’ll see you again at heaven’s pearly gates. So until then my beautiful baby dezirae, save a spot for me. When I get called home, a happy reunion it will be. Sending you all of my love and millions of hugs and kisses, you my baby are the one I’ll always be missing. Holding you in my heart until I can finally hold you in my arms again ❤

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I surrender

I’ve been drunk off of your love for so long baby, then so many things went wrong and now I’m sober. I’m thirsty for your kisses, your emotional embraces. I long for your fingertips to caress all my edges, take your time baby there’s no need to rush, I’m hypnotized in a trance. I just want to do loves slow dance with you baby. I hunger for your love, the very second we’re done I don’t want to just make love…Im trying to make it last. I’ve got a confession and I need your undivided attention, baby I hope you’re listening.. I want to stop all this fighting, it doesn’t matter who was wrong or right, I just know I need your love baby day and night. So I will surrender so long it’s your arms I’m falling into, so long as you still love me too…I surrender.

Loss of my dezirae

Lost in the confusion, the chaos of things. Forced to remember the state in which I last saw you in. Frozen is my heart since life was interrupted. Denied the life you should have lived. Grieving my very heart of sorrow. Shattered knowing there’s no bringing you tomorrow. Stolen was the life of innocence, wish there was a way to make amends. Your loss has left me bitter, trying to figure put how to go on has me dazed. I will continue the fight for your justice just as I promised. Can’t believe its been almost 3 months, why’d it have to end all or nothing. I find myself fighting to continue, why is it always good vs. Evil? I need to pull through. Living this life, like I have lost all of my virtue’s. Desperately searching for the answers that I seek, I try to be strong but I lose and become so weak. Demons inside me control me when I don’t sleep. I have a lust for his blood, I want to watch it all seep through a hole in the place his heart should be. I feel so angry when I think of the hands that murdered you, a life for a life though his is of lesser value. I try not to let my longing for revenge consume me, I’ve lost all touch with reality. I look in the mirror and I rarely see a glimpse of the old me. I see a torn apart, broken hearted fragment of a soulless being. Light has left my eyes, unbearable tragedy has hardened my heart and this tormenting sorrow has my mind running on emptiness. I’m shellshocked, in such disbelief I pray this isn’t happening. When will this nightmare ever end? I face the road ahead, I’m emotionally naked and alone. My soul lay bare to the world. I know when my time comes, I’ll see you again its just trying to ease the pain until we’re reunited once again.

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You are all that’s left of me, the woman I know is gone. I look in the mirror and I ask myself “who are you?” For I don’t see myself when I look I see memories. Things that were, and should never have been. I see a constant reminder of emptiness, loneliness and longing. A life once lived and loved. Now I’m just existing just barely breathing. Feeling as though these thoughts aren’t even my own borrowed or stolen from some poor sap that can’t get it right no matter what. So many emotions I try to sort out. Just as complex as the rubix cube there’s always only one solution to the problem but you still can’t figure it out. I have a solution in mind can’t say its the right one but all of my problems would be gone. But the day I let a man make or break me will be the day I close up shop. I’ve learned my lesson and for this nobody will ever get close to me again! I blame myself mostly. I’ll give you what you want, I won’t stay. This is my final goodbye up for your consideration I here by turn in my resignation

Too little too late

All this time, fighting my pain all of these feelings I wish I could explain. All of the things I wish I said racing thoughts in my head. All the wounds not yet healed, all of the love I feel for you. All this time has passed but I’m stuck in the moment’s of our love. The day we met, the exact moment when I knew I loved you, our first official date. All I have left is our memories all the beautiful moments we shared together. At a loss for words, everything forever changed. I lay in bed and go to rest my head on your chest and always to my surprise you’re not there. Emptiness follows me now. Solace is what I seek your arms are what I need wrapped around me in full embrace. Longing to hear you speak those words so sweet, the words I fear I won’t ever hear. I love you, and I know without you no house will be a home. My home is where you are, the one true place I ever belonged. This is my farewell to you my best friend, someday I pray we will meet again. For I waited too long and you say my time has past. Im sorry I was too little too late

Delusional Illusionist

I wish the words of my emotions would come easily, just so I could pass them to you and express my delusions. I’m at a loss but here it goes:

You are an Illusionist, you make my love vanish. Here for a minute and then gone! Never seen again.
You were keeper of keys, captor of my heart.

What a display you put on to win my affection. Blinded by your tricks. With a slight touch of the hand you had the power to make me tremble. Your illusions had me fascinated, in a dazed trance. Confused by my innermost feelings. Deceived by your eyes.

Beautiful Illusionist why do you make a fool of me?

Thoughts of the lost

The one you love most will always be the first to break your heart, break you down and make you cry. The one I loved most torched my existence with his harsh goodbye. Here I am now secretly lost beyond all recognition of my where abouts. My heart has triggered my lust for pain anything would be better then this emptiness.deep down in the fiery pits of Hell is where you placed me, left there to rot, left there to die. You never figured I would make my way out from the depths of the mess you left me in, never figured I would seek refuge elsewhere, any where but with you. You seem to think I’m nothing, inhuman. Im just barely existing, but I’m doing it without you. Sickened by the thought of you, disgusted by the fact a part of you might live in me why am I still here? Why can’t I just leave everything behind and say goodbye to this fucked up shit I call life? It could be that simple but would it be quick?